The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons 2 – Episode Two Recap

4 Oct btl-battle-season-490

By:  Jordan Grossman

Even the worst episodes of The Challenge are still better than 99.9% of all other television programs, so while Episode Two wasn’t particularly good by The Challenge standards, it was still fantastic television.

The episode opened with the cast partying at a beach club.  This season has reverted back to a concept more undefeated than Father Time: give these people booze and it will produce great television.  All reality television is better with the aid of alcohol and The Challenge is certainly no exception.  While nothing particularly noteworthy happened at the beach club, you just know this was the calm before a Camila storm.  Also, Sarah, who made it abundantly clear that she is no longer in a relationship and has undergone the biggest transformation from her season of The Real World to this season of The Challenge, said, “Alton is the most amazing guy on the planet.”  Quite endorsement for someone you’ve known for about four days.

The event on this episode was “Oil Change”, which essentially was just wrestling in a tub of olive oil.  I don’t know, do people really get excited for oil wrestling?  I mean, we all know why we like catfights, but are they really enhanced by oil?  With that being said, the five people I would have least liked to oil wrestle:

1.  Big Easy – Self-explanatory

2.  Devyn/Sam – I don’t really want to wrestle girls who once weren’t girls

(Disclaimer: These opinions are my own, purely speculative, unconfirmed and do not represent the feelings of Burying-the-Lead)

4.  Robb – If he punches himself in the face and burns his arms with cigarettes, I don’t know where he would draw the line with me.

5.  Trishelle – Does oil act as a conduit to pass STDs?  Do I want to risk finding out?  Probably no to both.

Due to the alliances between seasons, everyone starts throwing the event, which infuriated TJ.  I hate seeing TJ upset and TJ hates watching quitters.  San Diego ”wins” the event, while Danny and Melinda lose.  Melinda said we need to, “pray for some sort of miracle.”  Sure, either a miracle, or just beat Big Easy and Camila, who San Diego selected to go in against them, in an endurance elimination in The Arena.  One or the other, but more on The Arena in a minute.

Out on the town for the second time this episode, Melinda decided to throw back some cocktails and then offered relationship advice to Jemmye and Knight.  Melinda essentially told Jemmye she should get back together with Knight, because Knight said he was willing to marry her.  This whole scene reminded me of one of the times in high school when the school brought in recovering drug/alcohol addicts to talk to the students about their experiences and how they should never go down that path.  Melinda was trying to protect Jemmye from The Real World relationship she endured, but immediately deviated from that path as soon she heard the word “marriage”.  On a positive note, I’m sure those recovering drug/alcohol addicts never strayed, because where would they have seen/heard about drugs and alcohol?  Good for them.

In The Arena, TJ was surprised to see Easy in back-to-back eliminations.  When asked why he didn’t try to politic his out of The Arena, Easy reponsded, “…cuz I’m not a bitch.  I volunteered the first time and I sent home one of the most elite Challenge competitors in history.”  The fact that he was still talking about beating Wes in a competition Wes had absolutely no chance to win further illustrates the point that he’s a huge tool, but while Big Easy is a huge loser in life, he’s now a two-time Arena winner, as him and Camila defeated Danny and Wes.  The Real World: Austin is out like this girl at SXSW.

Episode scoring and updated standings below.

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The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons 2 – Episode One Recap

27 Sep btl-battle-season-490

By: Jordan Grossman

Many years ago candidates for political offices in the United States often rode through town in horse-drawn wagons on which a band was playing music to attract a crowd. If the candidate was popular, people would jump up onto his bandwagon to show their support.  Thus the origin of the phrase “jumping on the bandwagon”.  Well, after 22 seasons The Challenge bandwagon is pretty full.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many previous non-Challenge believers contacted me to discuss the greatness of the premiere (four).  As the leader of said bandwagon and contributor to the most popular two hyphen sports and entertainment blog on the world wide web, I’m always willing to make room for some new followers, but this may be your last opportunity.  Pretty soon were going to have to start strapping people to the top of the bandwagon – a move Mitt Romney full endorses.

The best part of the 23rd season premiere was the length of the episode.  Some people preach quality over quantity, but with Challenge quality never lacking, 50% more Challenge is about the best thing in the world.   Unfortunately, episode two reverts back  to the sixty minute format, but before the depression kicks in, let’s recap episode one.

A few stray observations from the opening scenes:
- Jasmine said, “I need to prove that I can be cool calm and collected.” Umm, no you don’t.  I would say this is not a good sign for RMac, but I know she’s not capable of doing those things.
- Sarah is the Monica Gellar of reality television – She has gotten considerably more attractive as the seasons have gone on.  She also said she’s single, ipso facto, she’s looking to go to pound town
- Knight referred to Preston as the “most intimidating competitor.”  After watching his total disregard for people, Knight is now the only Real Worlder I follow on twitter.
- Ashley dumped Zach.  Gut-feeling is its a bad idea to dump Thor then go on a reality show with him where there will be 15 other girls willing to sleep with him as long as he doesn’t wear his Cowboy boots around the villa.  I sense a lot of crying out of Ashley.
- For a divorced couple, Danny and Melinda are pretty friendly. I dont like their composure.
- I’m not sure who looked better: Mckenzie in that bathing suit or Alton with his shirt off.

The first event was some rope climbing, platform walking hybrid.  Before the event, TJ introduced the Fresh Meat team.  Out of the car walked Big Easy, who has lost seventy pounds.  He asked the camera, “What people want to say about me now?” He followed up that smack talk by not being able to climb the rope and getting his team disqualified.  Oh, what do people want to say about you now, Eric?  I have some thoughts, but I’ll spare you.  Both Cancun and Vegas “killed” the event, but ultimately Cancun won.  And the head honcho of Cancun is my boy CJ, things are looking up for that pick.

Back at the house, Frank presumably just started blacking out the second he walked in.  He admittedly said he’s “hammered”, challenged multiple people to “rock it” and told Wes he wanted to see him bleed tomorrow. Oh, he also told his teammate Sam to “go fuck your fat girlfriend, bitch.” while being restrained by Thor, who was sweating more than Patrick Ewing during a pregame shootaround.  Again, you couldn’t create a more perfect Challenge contestant than Frank.

During the whole Frank ordeal, Team San Diego was together in one of the bedrooms.  The only non-San Diegoans, no, non-San Diegans, no, anyway was Jonna.  She was trolling for Zach the entire episode. They eventually hook-up, but more importantly, she got to make the best call the Real World/Challenge can offer   The “I’m breaking up with you over the phone on reality television after I’ve already cheated on you, but you won’t find that out for another couple months until the show airs, hope we can remain friends” call.  Theres no better call out there. I also think Jonna did this to her then boyfriend in Cancun, but I don’t really remember and I’m definitely not going to look it up. Let’s just say she did and move on.

Big Easy and Cara defeat Wes and Lacey respectively in The Arena. The only thing I was thinking while watching Big Easy run over Wes was was this some sort of Ginger on Ginger hate crime.  I thought they were supposed to stick together.  (Side note – there are too many redheads on the show.  It makes for a bad tv product).  Big Easy acted like this might have been the single greatest accomplishment of his life.  He’s a sad man.  As for the eliminated, Lacey’s return from her seven year MTV hiatus was short-lived.   I don’t expect to see her ever again.  And as I expertly predicted during the Draft Recap, it’s over for Wes.  He’s lost his fastball.

Season standings and episode scoring below.  I did make one executive decision however, I reduced TJ “Killing It” points from 25 to 15.  Considering I had two players who “Killed It” nobody was more negatively effected than myself.

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Meet The Mets Fans

21 Sep btl-mets-fans-490

Last night I happened to be glancing at the ESPN bottom line to see my “beloved” Mets losing 16-1 to the Phillies. And you know what, this didn’t shock or startle me. In fact, it got me to think, “Nice. We got ‘em right where we want em. Save those runs for next year!” Yeah, the rest of the MLB truly are suckers.

Anyway, as a result of the Rodney King-esque beating being dealt by the Phillies, the baseball conversation painfully progressed — even though there was perfectly good football on — and we began to discuss what it was like to be a Mets fan. This is something I’ve never been able to quite put my finger on.

Until Now.

Being a Mets fan feels like…having strep throat on the first day of spring

Being a Mets fan feels like…the ending of The Sopranos

Being a Mets fan feels like…having a girlfriend who refuses to go on The Pill

Being a Mets fan feels like…making a sandwich at WaWa and the machine asking if you’d like to add bacon for only 50 cents and you saying “No”

Being a Mets fan feels like…being from Cleveland except we have, you know, buildings

Being a Mets fan feels like…how Cooper Manning feels every morning

Being a Mets fan feels like…being a minora with only seven candles (something 80% of the Mets fan base can directly relate too)

Being a Mets fan feels like…Spring Break in Minnesota

Being a Mets fan feels like…taking steroids and having your batting average decrease

Being a Mets fan feels like…being a vegetarian at Ruth and Chris

Being a Mets fan feels like…resisting the urge to scratch your poison ivy

Being a Mets fan feels like…taking an international flight sitting next to crying babies

Being a Mets fan feels like…dry-heaving after too much 151

Being a Mets fan feels like…waiting in line at the DMV

Being a Mets fan feels like…trying to change the channel with a remote with low battery

And lastly,

Being a Mets fan feels like…being a Yankees fan, without all the good stuff

I hope that finally sums up how fans of my ilk have felt for their entire baseball-watching lives. Now, enough with this America’s Favorite Pastime crap. Back to football.

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How Not To Gamble: NYG @ CAR

20 Sep btl-nyg-car-490

By: Jordan Grossman

On Monday, Lindsay Lohan tweeted, “Why did I get put in jail and a nickelodeon star has had NO punishment(s) so far?”.  Lindsay was obviously referring to Amanda Bynes, who in recent months was arrested on suspicion of a DUI (hitting a police car), multiple hit-and-run accusations, smoking a bowl while driving (with a suspended license) and finally had her car impounded this week after police apprehended Bynes driving aimlessly in an airport parking lot.  Yet she hasn’t spent any time in jail, which infuriated the necklace-stealing Lohan.  Even Ray Lewis was impressed by Bynes’ rap sheet and ability to avoid jail time. They must have shared lawyers.

Maybe Lohan tweeted about Bynes because someone had taken her baton as the notable Hollywood screw-up before she was ready to pass it.  Well leave it to Lindsay to grab it right back as she was arrested in NYC on Wednesday for another (alleged) hit-and-run.  These two are like Ali and Frazier exchanging blows back-and-forth.  And they look worse than those two guys ever did in their mugshots.  In this uncertain world we live in, only one thing is certain: female child stars are going to turn into absolute messes at some point in their lives.  Drew Barrymore.  Britney Spears.  Lindsay Lohan.  Now Amanda Bynes.  Miley Cyrus, you’re next.  This just needs to be embraced and accepted so we can move on.  And move on we shall.

New York (+2.5) v. CAROLINA

When you’re out at a bar and finally find the girl you’re going to go home with, get out.  The game is effectively over.  Nothing good ever happens if you get another drink or talk to somebody else.  Maybe you lose the girl in the sea of people, maybe she gets too drunk, maybe she realizes this is a bad idea. So just win the game and get out.

The same principles apply to the victory formation.  Once the outcome is decided, take your knee and move on.  Greg Schiano’s decision to play out the final snap against the Giants last week will not end well for him or his team.  Just ask Lindsay Lohan about karma.  Tom Coughlin’s reaction to Schiano’s decision was well warranted.  Coughlin was redder than me after an afternoon at Seacrets.  Thats a DEFCON 1 level of redness.

As for tonight, the Giants are without Bradshaw, Nicks, Hixon and Diehl.  These Thursday night games are fun, but NFL players aren’t supposed to play on three days rest.  They need a full week to recover and even then they often aren’t ready.  Next week the Ravens play on Thursday and that will be their fourth game in 17 days.  That is absolutely brutal.

Anyway, despite missing four key offensive players, the Giants offense will still move the ball and score points.  The key, as always with the Giants, is whether or not their defense will pressure the quarterback. And after two no-shows and an ailing offense, the Giants defense will pick up the team tonight (as long as Prince is nowhere near Steve Smith).

Last Week: 7-7-2
This Season: 12-18-2

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The Challenge: Battle of the Seasons 2 – Draft Recap

20 Sep btl-battle-season-490

By: Jordan Grossman

As he leads his Gladiators through the streets of Rome, an emotional Proximo gets down on his knees and kisses the statue of Marcus Aurelius.  Proximo hasn’t returned to Rome in many years and he’s anxious and excited to see familiar faces (albeit a dead one in this instance).  This is how I feel about the return of The Challenge.  Many of these people have been out of my life for way too long and it will be good to see some “old friends” tonight during the 23rd season premiere of The Challenge.  As always, or at least for the past two seasons, our fantasy draft was held the day before the premiere.  The results and analysis are as follows:

Round One
Traber – Jemmye Carroll
Jordan – Frank Sweeney
RMac – Jasmine Reynaud
Collins – Sarah Rice
Pierce – Ryan Knight
Turbo – Trishelle Cannatella
B-Dog – Alton Williams
Price – Wes Bergmann

Analysis
Most seasons Jemmye would be a deserving number 1 pick, but this year she is just outmatched.  Frank was made to participate in The Challenge.  He is going to cry, he is going to hook-up and he is going to fight with girls.  You know how US Magazine tries to create the perfect female by taking certain body parts from an assortment of female celebrities?  Oh you don’t?  Well me neither, but just play along.  If I needed to create the perfect Challenge contestant, I probably wouldn’t use any of Frank’s physical attributes, but his mind is so messed up, he’s perfect.  I wouldn’t change a thing…Jasmine wasn’t going to be able to crack the top two, not with Jemmye and Frank available, but she was the clear number 3 pick…Sarah Rice is a notorious crier and is a veteran.  She is a lock for points…Knight is the first “wild card” so to speak.  He’s never participated in a Challenge and isn’t really a physical presence. Then I think back to New Orleans and recall Knight was addicted to pain killers and treated women (and people in general) terribly.  To cap it off, he recently cheated on Jemmye with his ex-girlfriend.  Naturally deteriorating in-house relationship always make for great picks…Leave it to the two-time defending Champion to scoop up Trishelle towards the end of round one.  Trishelle hasn’t been on a Challenge since 2004, as she’s moved onto more high-profile roles such as playing Courtney in Ninja Cheerleaders and Freda in Melvin Smarty.  I can’t believe she decided to do another Challenge; things seemed to be going so well…Arguably the most athletic contestant in Challenge history, Alton only has one win in three career Challenges and that win was right after he and Irulan broke up.  It was a big F-U to Irulan.  Alton is a credited radio show host now and is also 33 years old.  He may win, but I don’t expect a lot out of him socially.  I like it, but I don’t love it…It’s over for Wes.  The cast has turned young and has grown up watching Wes’s manipulative behavior.  Unless this old dog learned a few new tricks, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him voted off very early.

Round Two
Price – Cara Maria Sorbello
B-Dog – Zach Nichols
Turbo – Ashley Kelsey
Pierce – Melinda Stolp
Collins – Dustin Zito
RMac – Danny Jamieson
Jordan – Nany Gonzalez
Traber – Chet Cannon

Analysis
Cara Maria may not even be on the show.  Something weird is going on with the Fresh Meat people.  MTV doesn’t list them as Cast Members, but Wikipedia does.  When in doubt, always go with Wikipedia…Zach Nichols is a big dude.  He’s also not very tolerant of others.  Solid pick…Ashley is Turbo’s second large-chested woman in as many picks.  I sense a trend…Melinda is paired with her ex-husband and her ex-husband’s ex-best friend.  This doesn’t bode well for her emotionally.  And I know what an emotionally distraught Melinda Stolp is capable of…Dustin was kicked off Battle of the Exes after falling and cutting his knee while running around the pool.  Turbo was hoping Dustin would fall to him in round three, but that’s only because he would be a nice fit for the porn team he is assembling…Danny is the biggest loser in the history of The Challenge.  He’s been on five of these and has never won a dollar.  Wasting a second round pick on him is indefensible…Nany is a hot, fiery Latino (has “fiery” ever been used to describe a non-Latino?) who dated Adam Royer and hooked up with a female roommate while in Vegas.  She’s definitely unstable.  Nothing is off the table.  Welcome to my team…Chet opened up an online bow tie store.  That is all.

Round Three
Traber – Jonna Mannion
Jordan – Christian “CJ” Koegel
RMac – McKenzie Coburn
Collins – Preston Roberson-Charles
Pierce – Marie Roda
Turbo – Devyn Simone
BDog – JD Ordonez
Price – Camila Nakagawa

Analysis
Jonna was the last remaining proven commodity…CJ may be a free agent NFL punter, but…I have nothing.  What a horrible pick. …McKenzie has perfected the “I’m going to get really drunk, fall and make out with a stranger while telling all my friends and roommates to leave me alone” move.  She’s also really cute.  I don’t know why I took CJ…Collins was planning to take McKenzie and was admittedly “in panic mode” after she went the pick before him.  I don’t know what his though process was, but Collins ultimately selected Preston.  I think he was hell bent on taking someone from New Orleans and Preston was all that was left.  The selection was greeted with scorn from B-Dog who asked, “Is that Preson pick for real?”  It was, but  anytime you can draft a gay, black man, who has a history of destroying his roommates’ property in the third round of a fantasy draft, you just go for it…Marie is the first member from St. Thomas off the board.  She smuggled Heinekens in her backpack from Staten Island to St. Thomas, suffice it to say, Marie will be drunk the entire show.  She could be the new Tonya…Devyn to Turbo.  He’s all about smut this season… Apparently JD Ordonez is Anderson Cooper’s former boy toy.  Good for him.  This is the type of investigative work we do here at BTL…Price used his second consecutive pick on a chick from the Fresh Meat season.  Not prudent.  Again, Camila may not even really be on the show.

Round Four
Price: Laura Waller
B-Dog: Derek Chavez
Turbo: Sam McGinn
Pierce: Robb Schreiber
Collins: Lacey Buehler
RMac: Trey Weatherholtz
Jordan: Brandon Nelson
Traber: Eric Banks

Analysis
I think we underestimated the St. Thomas cast.  In Challenges past, the most recent Real World season would almost always get voted off first, as the veteran Challengers usually had alliances.  However, with so many first-time Challenge cast members, those alliances don’t exist and the St. Thomas people aren’t terrible contestants, at least on paper.  Laura cries and hooks-up.  Can’t ask for much more in the final round…I have no thoughts on Derek Chavez other than he was on RW: Cancun with my boy CJ.  That pick continues to haunt me…Turbo’s team gets considerably less attractive with the addition of Sam.  Every straight guy on the Challenge has bigger boobs than Sam.  However, she may have the biggest penis.  Either way, the Sam pick ruined team morale…Robb burns himself with cigarettes and punches himself in the face.  Great value coming out of St. Thomas…I thought Lacey was the former US Army chick from RW: Austin.  Apparently I got the two irrelevant girls from that season mixed up (Army nurse was Rachel)…Trey is the last and worst of the St. Thomas cast, but still better than the two remaining guys…Brandon and Eric are the two guys from Fresh Meat.  They should have been the last two people taken.  I selected Brandon, because Laurel wouldn’t have wanted me to take Big Easy.

The final rosters and scoring are included below.  Everyone enjoy the premiere.

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How Not to Gamble: Week Two

16 Sep Vegas Sportsbook

By: Jordan Grossman

Wow, what a hole.  5-12 is no way to start a season and it’s no easy hole to crawl out of.  If I wasn’t more self-aware than Kim Kardashian, I would consider being seven games under .500 comparable to cancer (or in Kim’s case, divorce).  But I am, so I’m not going to overreact.  As Jake Taylor would say, take it easy, we’ve got two hundred and….fuck it.  Onto Week Two.

Kansas City (+3.5) v. BUFFALO

I’ve thought about it and there’s absolutely nothing interesting or compelling about this game.  Two teams that just got embarrassed in Week One square off against one another this week.  Sweet!  If I’m forced to watch this game I may just pull a Mike Francesa.  And if you’re forced to bet this game, lay the points.  Why the hell not? (And don’t worry, I’ve bet on worse games before)

Cleveland (+7) v. CINCINNATI

Sometimes surprises are nice, other times it’s nice to get exactly what you’re expecting.  Brandon Weeden, you’re exactly what I was expecting.  34.3 Completion Percentage.  3.37 yards per pass attempt.  Zero Touchdowns.  Four Interceptions.  Epic futility.  Impressively, his in-game performance wasn’t his worst moment of the day.

There is a misconceived perception that the Bengals and Andy Dalton don’t suck.  After starting last year 6-2, they’ve lost seven of their last ten.  Teams that have lost seven of ten should not be seven-point favorites.  Even against Brandon Weeden.

Minnesota (-1.5) v. INDIANAPOLIS

I’ve already given my expert scouting opinion that Andrew Luck is a dufus, but it would have been imprudent for the Colts to keep Peyton Manning and pass on Luck.  Sure Manning looked great last week and Luck looked more like Ryan Leaf, but the Colts are rebuilding and need to stick to the plan.  With that being said, Mike Tyson has taught us, “Everyone has a plan ‘til they get punched in the mouth” and if the thrashing the Colts took last week wasn’t a punch in the mouth, it was awfully close.  I’ll roll with the Vikings.

New Orleans (-2.5) v. CAROLINA

I’m all for parents coaching their children and I know Sean Payton isn’t supposed to have any contact with the Saints, but it’s unacceptable for Payton to just sit back and watch the Saints get anally raped by the Redskins while he’s coaching his son’s sixth-grade football team.  I’m done with the Saints until Payton breaks radio silence (and if they win this week I’m going to assume he did).

Houston (-7.5) v. JACKSONVILLE

The Red Zone Channel is one of the greatest advancements in the NFL home watching experience.  Unfortunately, it showed way too much Jacksonville/Minnesota last week.  When Minnesota kicked a field goal early in overtime, I was relieved the game was over and RZC would show something else.  Except, it wasn’t over.  I completely forgot a field goal in overtime on the first possession didn’t end the game anymore.  The game more fittingly ended when Blaine Gabbert threw a forty yard pass on fourth down in overtime when the Jaguars need a first down to extend the game.  Love me some Blaine Gabbert.

Houston beats up on bad teams.  Jacksonville is one of the “baddest”.

Oakland (-2.5) v. MIAMI

I don’t know how many NFL players I can name, but I can name a lot of them.  And on this hypothetical list, you will not find one long snapper.  In fact, I only know of one long snapper in the history of the NFL – Trey Junkin – and that’s only because this happened.  So I feel for Oakland’s backup long snapper who effectively lost the game for the Raiders on Monday.  On the plus side, he can continue living his life in anonymity, because I still have no fucking clue what his name is, I just know he has a sweet beard.

A google search revealed Kate Middleton’s favorite NFL team is the Raiders and after her topless photos were released yesterday, this has the classic “win one for the Duchess of Cambridge” feel.

Arizona (+13.5) v. NEW ENGLAND

Wes Welker was only targeted five times last week (3 catches and 14 yards).  The Patriots offense is now tight end-centric, but the Pats were third in the league in scoring last year featuring Welker in conjunction with Gronk and Hernandez.  With the addition of Brandon Lloyd there are obviously going to be fewer targets for Welker, but the reduction won’t be as severe as it was last week.  Bill Belichick is smart enough to know if ain’t broke, don’t break it.

This game was decided as soon as I read “Kevin Kolb will be starting…”

Tampa Bay (+7) v. NEW YORK GIANTS

Are people really excited that Greg Schiano is returning to New Jersey?  I suppose he turned around the Rutgers football program (five straight bowl wins), but it’s still just Rutgers football.  They only finished a season ranked once (2006, #12) and Schiano had a career 68-67 record at RU.  It was certainly a nice improvement, but not something that would get anybody other than delusional Rutgers fans would get excited for.

Last year the Giants dropped Week One at home then beat an inferior Week Two opponent (Rams) also at home.  It’s déjà vu (all over again).  It may not be pretty, but the Giants win and cover.

Baltimore (+2) v. PHILADELPHIA

There’s nothing better than the Week One overreaction.  Remember 24 hours ago when the Bears offense was explosive?  Well since then Jay Cutler threw four interceptions, Matt Forte got hurt, the o-line gave up seven sacks and Brandon Marshall caught two passes.  I have four years of games to support the idea that Joe Flacco is a mediocre quarterback.  That opinion isn’t going to change because his fast-paced, no huddle offense put up a few points against the lowly Bengals.  The 2012 Ravens’ offense is not ‘’The Greatest Show Since The Wire.”

Just like the Packers did to the Bears on Thursday, the Eagles will knock the Ravens down to size.

Washington (-3) v. ST. LOUIS

The only people who promote Subway more than Robert Griffin III is the Real World cast.  It’s not even subliminal anymore.  This season the cast was in St. Thomas and they lived on a private island where they needed to get on a boat anytime they wanted to do something or needed anything.  It got to the point where they were practically saying, “I hate going on this boat to get toilet paper, but for Subway, it’s well worth it.”  Well I don’t like Subway and I don’t like RGIII.

Eventually Sam Bradford has to play a good game right?  He hasn’t thrown multiple touchdown passes in a game since Week 12…of 2010.  He’s due.  I’m hitching my wagon the Bradford Express.  Choo choo.

Dallas (-3) v. SEATTLE

The Week Two let down game is rare, but that’s what’s coming for Dallas.  They needed that win against the Giants and are overlooking a Seattle team which just embarrassingly let Kevin Kolb orchestrate a game-winning drive against them.  The Seahawks have more to prove than Nick from Bachelor Pad.  Also, never take Romo as a road favorite.  Upset special.  Lock it up.

New York Jets (+6) v. PITTSBURGH

Who had eight days into the season before the “Tim Tebow will request a trade” story came out?  Don’t get me wrong – I hate Tim Tebow – but by all accounts he is, at the very least, a nice guy and a good teammate.  With that being said, he couldn’t go more than two weeks before realizing he didn’t want to be anywhere near the Jets.  Nice job, Tim.  Even the lamest people in the world have to make the occasional right decision.  Or maybe he’s just upset that Mark Sanchez is pounding out Eva Longoria instead of going to Mass.  Either way, he wants out of town.

No Revis.  No Keller.  Big Jets loss.

Tennessee (+6) v. SAN DIEGO

Jake Locker gut hurt and Chris Johnson only rushed for four yards.  Hard to endorse the Titans.  In fact, you just can’t do it.

Detroit (+6.5) v. SAN FRANCISCO

These two teams face off for the first time since “The Handshake Heard Round the World.”  Detroit entered that game undefeated (5-0), but finished the rest of the season just 5-7.  They also struggled to beat the Rams in the opener this year.  I just don’t like the vibe I get from the Lions.

I’ve started watching Hard Core Pawn recently (located off 8 Mile in Detroit) and Jim Schwartz reminds me of the owner’s bratty kids.  Entitled, but hasn’t really done anything.  Runs his mouth, but only because he has big black guys defending him.  Jim Harbaugh, like the owner of the Pawn Shop, on the other hand, may talk shit, but he built his team from scratch and has them moving in the right direction.  He so badly out-classes Schwartz it’s not even close, and it’s very reminiscent of when Les Gold shits on his kids at the Pawn Shop.  The shitter over the shitee.

Denver (+3) v. ATLANTA

Always take Peyton Manning as a dog in a dome for a night game.  Always.

This Week: 0-1

Season: 5-12

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Jay Cutler Blows

14 Sep btl-cutler-pack-490

If you watched the Thursday Night Football game last night you noticed one thing: That Jay Cutler is…Jay Cutler.

He sucks.

At least in Lambeau. At least in Primetime.

Watching Cutler play on national TV is like watching Ryan Tannehill try to put together an end table from IKEA. It’s painful. When the lights are on, Cutler folds like he’s got two-seven off suit while giving his team about as much as chance as a villain starring opposite Liam Neeson.

Cutler’s record in Lambeau Field could give the Washington Generals a run for their money and last night the former first-rounder threw four picks, was sacked seven times and appeared, from a distance, to have sharted on several occasions. I haven’t seen someone that wanted to get out of Wisconsin more since Ashton Kutcher in the last season of That 70′s Show.

So, who is Jay Cutler?

Right now his claim to fame, aside from his trademark butt chin, is that he’s dating that Kristin Cavala-whatever the fuck her name is. Yea, she’s hot. But he’s a starting quarterback in the NFL, so that’s just par for the course. And this Kristin broad, well, she’s only “famous” for being “cool” in high school. Why don’t you go out and bag one of the Desperate Housewives like a real man, Jay? (Thatta boy, Marky. Thatta boy).

So, if Cutler’s no playboy, then I guess he’s just an average quarterback on an above-average team. The problem for Bears fans is that Chicago should be good this year. Instead, they put this deer-in-headlights QB behind an offensive line that has more holes than a Cambodian whore house. Cutler already looks like he’s gonna fall over every time he drops back to pass, the last thing he needs is a roided-up Clay Matthews coming in untouched and sending him running for The Hills. See what I did there?

Maybe the best analysis of the night given on Cutler was provided by Charles Woodson when he said, “We understand that Jay is excited about his new weapons, but it’s the same-old Jay. We don’t need luck; Jay will throw us the ball.” That, my friends, is how you put a quarterback in her place.

This also brings me to an aside where I just want to quickly mention how awesome Charles Woodson is. He’s been dominating an NFL secondary since before I was in secondary school and, as my one friend’s girlfriend put it, he’s also pretty “cute.” Guy can do it all. He’s one step below Don Draper in my book. A very small step. Keep being sweet, Chaz.

Speaking of being sweet, Jay Cutler isn’t. While he might end up with decent fantasy numbers this year for a team that should be playoff bound, if I was a Bears fan, I not only would be a fat, pathetic alcoholic, but I wouldn’t have faith in this quarterback to win the big game. Think Shane Falco. Sugar Bowl.

I’m sorry, Jay Cutler. You’re biggest flaw is…being Jay Cutler. And there ain’t a reality TV show on the planet that can change that.
*Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are not considered to be expert. They are just the opinion of an average football fan. An average football fan that took the Bears and the over last night.

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