By: Jordan Grossman
Wow, what a hole. 5-12 is no way to start a season and it’s no easy hole to crawl out of. If I wasn’t more self-aware than Kim Kardashian, I would consider being seven games under .500 comparable to cancer (or in Kim’s case, divorce). But I am, so I’m not going to overreact. As Jake Taylor would say, take it easy, we’ve got two hundred and….fuck it. Onto Week Two.
Kansas City (+3.5) v. BUFFALO
I’ve thought about it and there’s absolutely nothing interesting or compelling about this game. Two teams that just got embarrassed in Week One square off against one another this week. Sweet! If I’m forced to watch this game I may just pull a Mike Francesa. And if you’re forced to bet this game, lay the points. Why the hell not? (And don’t worry, I’ve bet on worse games before)
Cleveland (+7) v. CINCINNATI
Sometimes surprises are nice, other times it’s nice to get exactly what you’re expecting. Brandon Weeden, you’re exactly what I was expecting. 34.3 Completion Percentage. 3.37 yards per pass attempt. Zero Touchdowns. Four Interceptions. Epic futility. Impressively, his in-game performance wasn’t his worst moment of the day.
There is a misconceived perception that the Bengals and Andy Dalton don’t suck. After starting last year 6-2, they’ve lost seven of their last ten. Teams that have lost seven of ten should not be seven-point favorites. Even against Brandon Weeden.
Minnesota (-1.5) v. INDIANAPOLIS
I’ve already given my expert scouting opinion that Andrew Luck is a dufus, but it would have been imprudent for the Colts to keep Peyton Manning and pass on Luck. Sure Manning looked great last week and Luck looked more like Ryan Leaf, but the Colts are rebuilding and need to stick to the plan. With that being said, Mike Tyson has taught us, “Everyone has a plan ‘til they get punched in the mouth” and if the thrashing the Colts took last week wasn’t a punch in the mouth, it was awfully close. I’ll roll with the Vikings.
New Orleans (-2.5) v. CAROLINA
I’m all for parents coaching their children and I know Sean Payton isn’t supposed to have any contact with the Saints, but it’s unacceptable for Payton to just sit back and watch the Saints get anally raped by the Redskins while he’s coaching his son’s sixth-grade football team. I’m done with the Saints until Payton breaks radio silence (and if they win this week I’m going to assume he did).
Houston (-7.5) v. JACKSONVILLE
The Red Zone Channel is one of the greatest advancements in the NFL home watching experience. Unfortunately, it showed way too much Jacksonville/Minnesota last week. When Minnesota kicked a field goal early in overtime, I was relieved the game was over and RZC would show something else. Except, it wasn’t over. I completely forgot a field goal in overtime on the first possession didn’t end the game anymore. The game more fittingly ended when Blaine Gabbert threw a forty yard pass on fourth down in overtime when the Jaguars need a first down to extend the game. Love me some Blaine Gabbert.
Houston beats up on bad teams. Jacksonville is one of the “baddest”.
Oakland (-2.5) v. MIAMI
I don’t know how many NFL players I can name, but I can name a lot of them. And on this hypothetical list, you will not find one long snapper. In fact, I only know of one long snapper in the history of the NFL – Trey Junkin – and that’s only because this happened. So I feel for Oakland’s backup long snapper who effectively lost the game for the Raiders on Monday. On the plus side, he can continue living his life in anonymity, because I still have no fucking clue what his name is, I just know he has a sweet beard.
A google search revealed Kate Middleton’s favorite NFL team is the Raiders and after her topless photos were released yesterday, this has the classic “win one for the Duchess of Cambridge” feel.
Arizona (+13.5) v. NEW ENGLAND
Wes Welker was only targeted five times last week (3 catches and 14 yards). The Patriots offense is now tight end-centric, but the Pats were third in the league in scoring last year featuring Welker in conjunction with Gronk and Hernandez. With the addition of Brandon Lloyd there are obviously going to be fewer targets for Welker, but the reduction won’t be as severe as it was last week. Bill Belichick is smart enough to know if ain’t broke, don’t break it.
This game was decided as soon as I read “Kevin Kolb will be starting…”
Tampa Bay (+7) v. NEW YORK GIANTS
Are people really excited that Greg Schiano is returning to New Jersey? I suppose he turned around the Rutgers football program (five straight bowl wins), but it’s still just Rutgers football. They only finished a season ranked once (2006, #12) and Schiano had a career 68-67 record at RU. It was certainly a nice improvement, but not something that would get anybody other than delusional Rutgers fans would get excited for.
Last year the Giants dropped Week One at home then beat an inferior Week Two opponent (Rams) also at home. It’s déjà vu (all over again). It may not be pretty, but the Giants win and cover.
Baltimore (+2) v. PHILADELPHIA
There’s nothing better than the Week One overreaction. Remember 24 hours ago when the Bears offense was explosive? Well since then Jay Cutler threw four interceptions, Matt Forte got hurt, the o-line gave up seven sacks and Brandon Marshall caught two passes. I have four years of games to support the idea that Joe Flacco is a mediocre quarterback. That opinion isn’t going to change because his fast-paced, no huddle offense put up a few points against the lowly Bengals. The 2012 Ravens’ offense is not ‘’The Greatest Show Since The Wire.”
Just like the Packers did to the Bears on Thursday, the Eagles will knock the Ravens down to size.
Washington (-3) v. ST. LOUIS
The only people who promote Subway more than Robert Griffin III is the Real World cast. It’s not even subliminal anymore. This season the cast was in St. Thomas and they lived on a private island where they needed to get on a boat anytime they wanted to do something or needed anything. It got to the point where they were practically saying, “I hate going on this boat to get toilet paper, but for Subway, it’s well worth it.” Well I don’t like Subway and I don’t like RGIII.
Eventually Sam Bradford has to play a good game right? He hasn’t thrown multiple touchdown passes in a game since Week 12…of 2010. He’s due. I’m hitching my wagon the Bradford Express. Choo choo.
Dallas (-3) v. SEATTLE
The Week Two let down game is rare, but that’s what’s coming for Dallas. They needed that win against the Giants and are overlooking a Seattle team which just embarrassingly let Kevin Kolb orchestrate a game-winning drive against them. The Seahawks have more to prove than Nick from Bachelor Pad. Also, never take Romo as a road favorite. Upset special. Lock it up.
New York Jets (+6) v. PITTSBURGH
Who had eight days into the season before the “Tim Tebow will request a trade” story came out? Don’t get me wrong – I hate Tim Tebow – but by all accounts he is, at the very least, a nice guy and a good teammate. With that being said, he couldn’t go more than two weeks before realizing he didn’t want to be anywhere near the Jets. Nice job, Tim. Even the lamest people in the world have to make the occasional right decision. Or maybe he’s just upset that Mark Sanchez is pounding out Eva Longoria instead of going to Mass. Either way, he wants out of town.
No Revis. No Keller. Big Jets loss.
Tennessee (+6) v. SAN DIEGO
Jake Locker gut hurt and Chris Johnson only rushed for four yards. Hard to endorse the Titans. In fact, you just can’t do it.
Detroit (+6.5) v. SAN FRANCISCO
These two teams face off for the first time since “The Handshake Heard Round the World.” Detroit entered that game undefeated (5-0), but finished the rest of the season just 5-7. They also struggled to beat the Rams in the opener this year. I just don’t like the vibe I get from the Lions.
I’ve started watching Hard Core Pawn recently (located off 8 Mile in Detroit) and Jim Schwartz reminds me of the owner’s bratty kids. Entitled, but hasn’t really done anything. Runs his mouth, but only because he has big black guys defending him. Jim Harbaugh, like the owner of the Pawn Shop, on the other hand, may talk shit, but he built his team from scratch and has them moving in the right direction. He so badly out-classes Schwartz it’s not even close, and it’s very reminiscent of when Les Gold shits on his kids at the Pawn Shop. The shitter over the shitee.
Denver (+3) v. ATLANTA
Always take Peyton Manning as a dog in a dome for a night game. Always.
This Week: 0-1